Are You big enough?
Updated: May 19, 2021
Music has always set a tone for my life.
No, I mean literally set a tone--not just in the happy, crazy times but, most importantly for me, in the lost, fragile times. Music moves my heart to compassion and action.
I remember the first time I heard Gian Carlo Menotti’s “Amahl and the Night Visitors” as a high school student. I couldn’t get over the beauty. The artwork that accompanied the front of the music score drove me to search for weeks until I was able to obtain a copy of the score. Something about the portrait of that naked child on his mother’s lap ripped my heart because of his innocence.
In a very loose comparison and much like my innocent Robert, His mother gave up her son without a clear understanding of the purpose. I often wonder if Mary ever thought it was too much. Was the pain and unrelenting ripping of her heart necessary? Was she big enough to handle it all? Was God big enough?
Without sacrifice there is no testing of that question. If I had never loved Robert and then had the tragedy of losing him, I would not know that God was big enough to handle that. All of it. The loss of love, the disillusion, the endless tears, the numbness, and the loneliness. All of it.
Now many years later, I have returned to that portrait to marvel at Mary’s sacrificial offering of her innocent son to God. God was big enough to save His son, but He chose not to in order for our lives to be redeemed. He allowed Mary to be a part of the journey, even though it would cost her greatly.
I look back over Robert’s life and know that God was and is big enough to have healed his genetic disease, but He chose not to. That is the reality of his life. Do I still believe God is big enough? Yes, I do. However, that portrait of Mary holding her son reminds me constantly that I will never know all the reasons He chose not to change Robert’s path.
If I am honest with you, it has taken me many, many years of tears, conversations with my very close family members and girlfriends to accept that He is big enough. I know in a very small way that my wrestling with this specific aspect of life has given me more passion for other families like ours. My heart understands a mother holding her child as he or she passes into eternity while in her arms.
I have lived that portrait. I have exchanged those faces for our own. I know that tragedy. But, I also know God is big enough to take my deepest hurt and turn it into action to serve others. He can take my life and make its impact into something bigger. Not my choosing, but for His glory.
He is big enough. I still doubt and ask again sometimes, “Are You sure You are big enough?” That is the walking out of my relationship with Him for a lifetime though. I ask, and He proves Himself of being worthy of my sacrificial offering over and over again. He may seem small in the moment of tragedy, but He is big enough to handle you and All. Of. It.
Listening Library: Hold Us Together (H.E.R. and Tauren Wells)
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4 ESV)
HOLD US TOGETHER
I will trust in You and know that You are with me forever
I'll confide in You 'cause You're the only answer that matters
Even in the darkness, You will be my light
Even when I'm hopeless, You will be my guide
I will not be shaken, I will not be moved
Even in the chaos, I know that You're good
You're the keeper, protector
It is You that holds us together
When everything else fails us
It is You that holds us together
Oh-whoa-whoa, oh-whoa-oh
I will trust in You, Your thoughts and plans of me, they are good
Mmh, I'll wait on You, I know that You will see me through
Even in the darkness, You will be my light
Even when I'm hopeless, You will be my guide
I will not be shaken, I will not be moved
Even in the chaos, I know that You're good
You're the keeper, protector
It is You that holds us together
When everything else fails us
It is You that holds us together (oh You're)
You're the keeper (You are), protector
It is You that holds us together (when every)
When everything (else fails) else fails us (it is You)
It is You that holds us together
Together
Holds us together
You're the keeper, protector (together)
It is You that holds us together
Everything (else fails us) else fails us
It's You that holds us together (hold us)
You're the keeper (hold us), protector (oh, protector)
It's You that holds us together (oh, You)
When everything (everything) else fails us
It's You that holds us together
You're the keeper, protector
It is You that holds us together
When everything else fails us
It is You that holds us together
Songwriters: Gabriella Wilson / Josiah Bassey
Hold Us Together lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management
