“The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal.”

(“Shadowlands,” C.S. Lewis)

3:00 a.m.

Yes, that was much too late to be up compiling our financial data to hand over to our CPA a few weeks ago. I can imagine that many of you shared a few late nights doing that same type of work. Or perhaps you have been up lately providing care for your loved one. I thought about the caregivers up doing the challenging, necessary work as I sat with my computer, documents, calculator, a perfectly sharpened No. 2 pencil, and my thoughts. These are old school methods, but very efficient, just like my Major-General-turned-professor father taught me.

What I needed to keep me focused that night was several cups of hot coffee and a really good movie playing in the background as I worked — a movie that had meaning for me and told the story of love and sacrifice. My family knows that my movie preference is always a beat-them-up, fight-for-justice, go-get-the-bad-guy type of movie when I can focus on the action. But when doing detailed work in the early morning hours … I need my heart to feel the weight of a tragic story. I cannot explain it, but I truly am a double-sided coin when it comes to movies. However, I knew that night something of deep value had to keep me alert.

Can I tell you something unbelievable? I actually watched this movie twice that night! I know, right? Why in the world would I do that? Because as my eyes moved back and forth from my laptop up onto the family room television, I was stirred by C.S. Lewis’ courage in questioning God while navigating suffering, mirroring similar questions I have had for God on my own caregiving journey. Lewis’ relentless exploration of faith, hardships, and tragedy rang true in my own life as I tackled the spreadsheets in front of me.

If you have seen the movie, “Shadowlands,” or read C.S. Lewis’ book, “A Grief Observed,” you understand that his brilliant mind and life amidst suffering are revealed in these two creative works that can melt a heart to its core. I will not spoil the narrative but just know that C.S. Lewis does not skirt around issues of fear, altered faith, and tragedy. He looks life and his God right in the face and asks the difficult questions. He is a genius, much like my Chris, who challenges his own beliefs in the valley of the shadow of death and emerges with a deeper understanding of himself and his God. He does not take the easy surface path, and that deep questioning and beautiful exchange of thought in the valley moves me closer to the heart of God.

No, I will never claim to understand all of the conversations between Lewis’ colleagues and his equally brilliant (and sassy) wife, Joy, but I can listen in on those conversations to gain insight on how to seek God when life shows a darker side of itself. I will never carry with me such a wealth of historical or theological knowledge as C.S. Lewis, but I can learn from observing him care for his students, like a father intent for each one’s success, just as I learned was the conviction of my father. I gained so much understanding about the suffering of others and the wrestling with God over the meaning of it all as I watched this movie while compiling our privileged life on my spreadsheets. It was the best tax prep I have ever experienced. (I know, I told you it was unbelievable!)

I leave you with the quote above from the movie as this week’s blog title to contemplate its truth as you move through your year which may be interrupted with a hard “something.” For those of you doing the heavy work of caregiving at this very moment, I have felt your pain and struggle. I get it. But don’t shy away from the conversations that you hide deep in your heart. Ask the questions out loud! I have learned from my caregiving journey with Robert that no question or feeling is too big for God to handle. He will not fall off His throne because you question His goodness. I know this because I have asked all of the tough questions, my friend, and in this movie and book, C.S. Lewis does the same. Be brave enough to seek real peace and comfort. You are worth the effort on your journey.

This may all be too much for some of you who just need a nap! Do that first (smile), and then get to the truth:

“The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal.”

Listening Library: “Costly” (Naomi Raine)

https://youtu.be/xcdtLt4nL1I?si=8gNwznINB__uTFkh

Costly

Here is my alabaster, poured out in worship

Here is my full surrender, I know it's worth it

Some say it's too expensive, I say it's not enough

How could I give too much?

Chorus: Let it be costly, let it be costly

You are most worthy, most worthy

Holding back nothing, let it mean something

You are most worthy, most worthy, Jesus

No one more worthy than You, hmm

I've counted all my reasons, they just keep adding up

I can't afford to hold back, the sum of all my love

Some say it's too expensive, I say it's not enough

How could I give too much?

Chorus

For all I bring, it can't compare

To what You've given me

I will not bring what costs me nothing

Counted the cost, and I'm convinced

You're still worth everything

I will not bring what costs me nothing, no

Chorus

For all I bring, it can't compare

To what You've given me

(I will not bring)

I will not bring what costs me nothing

(I can't bring You just anything, Lord)

(Counted the cost)

Counted the cost, and I'm convinced (I'm convinced)

You're still worth everything

Oh, I will not bring what costs me nothing (oh-oh)

Chorus

© Integrity Music, Essential Music Publishing, Bethel Music, and Capitol CMG

Written by Pat Barrett, Mitch Wong, Chandler Moore, Naomi Raine, and Nicholas Traylor