Coffee, Connection & Caregiver Moms!

Our quarterly Coffee & Connection at The Mermaid Cafe was fantastic! It was a beautiful surprise to see Sandy Ethridge, President of Morgan's Multi-Assistance Center, and her executive team during their book club meeting.

So, this is me: a recovering caregiver mom, wanting to hold on to fellow moms who walk my same path. I don’t want to leave this group. I don’t want to hush the stories and memories in my heart. I care about these women so much and, probably, more than they will ever know.

I invite as many of them as I can to meet me for coffee and see how I can support them from this side of the caregiving journey. I am so grateful they show up. Over coffee, we laugh, cry, and learn from each other. These women are strong, caring moms who know how to navigate the hard decisions for their loved ones, and they are generous in sharing that knowledge with others like them.

These occasions are opportunities for me to grow in my understanding of caregiving even after our son, Robert, has passed away from his genetic disease. Call it healing, therapy, or whatever seems appropriate to you, but I take deep dives into the caregiving world because eighteen years of my life were spent immersed in that world.

Caregiving is rarely a role to which one aspires. For me, it was not a position I sought because I had done so much research on the opportunity and could not wait for my new job to start! On the contrary, most of us were suddenly introduced to our new “home office” by a precious child, young adult or seasoned loved one whom we treasured. Or perhaps we did sign up for this occupation because it became our passion to care for others. However you come to such a place, you will encounter at least these three things: shock, weariness and unspeakable emotions; and your life may look similar to mine.

Over the years in my caregiving journey, I became very weary. That is not news to anyone who has been or is a caregiver. Our bodies need rest. Our muscles ache because of the lifting, twisting, and the pace at which we move. But I’m also referring to the kind of weariness that takes away your hope and  recognition of yourself — a deep loss of even the will to go on. It can be so much deeper than sadness. Many times, it is the kind of weariness that makes one feel dead inside, like someone dug a hole for you, and you just want to crawl into it … that kind of weariness.

One would think this fatigue would be easily recognizable, but it is not. We hide from those who are not walking a similar road. We choose to put on a “confident face” so that we do not have to show you the “discouraged face.” After all, “No one likes a party-pooper!”

Frankly, we are often too tired to show up even on the best days. Caregiving calls us from every room where our loved one dwells. We need to be seen and counted, but sometimes a twenty-minute nap may be our only healthy choice. Caregiving for ourselves is rare.

That’s what weariness looks like — a daily choice to choose another human being first, over our own lives. When you see someone who doesn’t get out in the community or turns you down because of their caregiving duties, you should rightly assume that they are weary and need a break.

With all the godly advice I could share, I know that sometimes even the best insight will not touch the unspeakable emotions swirling around in the heart of a caregiver. The silent prayers lifted by caregivers are raw and full of real anguish and questions.

·      Why did God choose me?

·      What good can possibly come from all of this?

·      How do I trust that I will be strong enough?

·      When and how will this end?

Despite these questions full of doubt, most caregivers are compassionate humans who care for a family member’s basic needs; provide medications and companionship; and learn to assist with mobility.

Caregiver moms, I see you. Thank you for showing up for coffee with me this month. Our quarterly Coffee & Connection times are immensely refreshing to my soul. I hope they are meaningful to you, too. We are building a caregiver safety net filled with tremendous support!

Remember: Caregiving can consume you, but it doesn’t have to erase you.

Listening Library: “Faithful to Me” (Linda Adler)

https://youtu.be/wJSQ4Q2DUWU?si=e1QokK1j-oc0zhEs

Faithful to Me

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone

That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves

I have recklessly built all my dreams in the sand

Just to watch them all wash away

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile

To one who sees past all I see

And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand

You're the only one who's faithful to me

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well

I have thrown like stones to the sea

I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly

For a faith to be faithful to me

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile

To one who sees past all I see

And reaching out my weary hand, I pray that you'd understand

You're the only one who's faithful to me

You're the only one who's faithful to me

Written by Jennifer Knapp © 1998 Gotee Music, ASCAP.

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